Honest Feelings and Lost Love
by Romanticly tragic perfection
Summary: Who knew love could hurt this much? I didn't know and nobody ever told me. He was supposed to be mine, so why does it feel like I never had him in the first place?


**Honest Feelings and Lost Love**

**Summary: **_**Who knew love could hurt this much? I didn't know and nobody ever told me. He was supposed to be mine, so why does it feel like I never had him in the first place?**_

_**"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself." **_

_― **Deborah Reber, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul**_

I have been in love with Jacob Black for as long as I can remember. I can count all the reasons I love him on all ten of my fingers and toes. His sunny smile, his honesty, his playfulness, and the way his eyes sparkle. I love everything about him. He's like a prince out of one of my fairytales he reads me late at night. I giggle softly making him stare at me. He's perfect for me as I am for him.

I'm his imprint. So it's destiny that we'll be together. One day we will fall _**MADLY**_ in love with each other. Just like a fairytale.

The only problem is I'm not the one he wants and even though he imprinted on me, I'm not the one he loves. Imprinting is a powerful thing but it's not enough to make him mine.

_**I'll have to make him love me on my own.**_

/

I watch him sometimes when he thinks no one's looking: The way his eyes follow her everywhere. The way he smiles whenever she's around. The way he glares when he sees her with my dad. It's those moments when I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. But I won't give up! I have magic on my side.

_**We're destined for each other, I just know it!**_

/

We're all sitting in the living room listening to my dad play the song he wrote for my mom, for the _**hundredth **_time. Geez, doesn't he know any other songs. Rosalie and Emmett are staring lovingly at each other on the couch. Alice and jasper are holding hands leaning against the wall. My mom and dad are sitting close together on the piano booth. Jacob and I are sitting on the other couch with a reasonable amount of distance between us, like polite strangers. I scoot closer.

I'm so close yet he still feels so far away. I reach and grab Jacob's hand. He gives me a confused look but then grins and squeezes my hand. This is what I want. I want him to look at me the way my dad looks at my mom, the way Emmett looks at Rosalie, the way Jasper looks at Alice. I want him to look at me with undying love and sweet affection. Like prince and princess. The moment is ruined when my mom gets up from the piano.

"Hey, Jake, I need your help with something" she says.

Jacob lets go of my hand instantly and stands up.

"Sure thing, Bells" he says smiling that special smile reserved for _**her.**_

I ignore the sting of rejection that fills me and go take my mom's seat next to my dad at the piano bench.

"Can I play something?" I ask.

My dad nods and I hear my mother laughing from somewhere in the other room with Jacob, _**My**_ Jacob

_**And if anyone notices the sadness in the song I play no one comments.**_

(A/**Note: if you want to know what song she plays look up Kikyo theme song**.)

/

Even though my mom hates it I love it when Jacob calls me "Nessie," I tell him so one night when we're sitting out on the porch watching the stars.

He laughs "Glad **someone** appreciates my creative genius." He says.

I smile. This is the perfect moment. I should tell him how I feel now.

I open my mouth.

"Time for bed, Renesmee," mom says from the doorway.

I pout but Jacob pats my head. "Listen to your mother," he whispers.

He turns to my mother and smiles his most bright, sunny, smile at my mom.

"Hey, Bells, we were finished anyway." He says making his way toward her.

I frowned once they were gone.

_**'Nessie' didn't have the same love to it as 'Bells'**_

/

I sat in the park on one of the swings, staring at the normal human children playing with their parents. Physically, I looked 14, when truth I was actually 7. Jacob came over to me, dropping his bag on the ground. He was in college part-time, a few blocks from the park.

"Hey, Nessie," he said, looking around.

Probably for my mom, I thought bitterly.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

I smile. "Hey, Jake," I exclaimed. "I wanted to see you," I say.

He raises an eyebrow. "Why?" he asks

"Will you push me?" I ask, distracting him from his question.

Jacob nodded and made his way behind me. He gently pushes me forward and I giggle. People stare and I know we must look strange. A girl who looks 14 getting pushed on the swing by a man who looks 25. We do this for a while, in silence, only broken by my occasional giggles.

"We should get you home before your mom starts to worry." He says.

Of course, He's always thinking about _her_.

"Do you still love her?" I blurt out.

Jacob pauses. "What?" he asks, pulling the swing to a stop.

I shake my head.

"Nothing," I said hopping off the seat. "Let's go get ice-cream!" I say cheerfully, changing the subject.

I run off toward the ice-cream vendor, leaving a confused Jacob behind me.

_**I'm his imprint, he won't leave me anyway. **_

/

I wake up from a nightmare one night and get out of bed. I hear the sound of the TV from my room. I sneak out of my room. I see Jacob and my mom watching TV on the couch.

"I love monster garage," she says, leaning her head on Jacob's shoulder.

He nods. "I missed this." He says, wrapping his arm around her, pulling her closer to him.

I turned around and quickly made my way back to my room. I ignore the tears in my eyes that are staining my pillows.

I'm his imprint. He won't leave me.

_**But he won't love me either.**_

/

Alice and Rosalie take me shopping the next day.

"You seem a little down. Is something wrong?" Alice asks.

I give her a smile.

"I'm fine. I had a nightmare last night and it kept me up." I half-lie.

Alice looks like she wants to say something but nods instead.

When Alice goes off to buy shoes I turn to my favorite aunt.

"Auntie Rose?" I call.

She turns around. "Yes," she says.

"Do you think Jacob still loves mom?" I ask.

Rosalie shifts uncomfortably. "I don't think imprinting works like that." She says slowly.

I frown.

"But you should ask him," she suggests.

I didn't get a chance to respond because Alice chose that moment to come back.

"I'm ready to go home." I announced, heading toward the car.

I wasn't ready to talk to Jacob about this yet.

_**Because if he said it aloud I would lose everything.**_

/

Mom and Jacob are getting closer. They are almost always together. They're almost always laughing at some private joke or having secret conversations. It's like they're best friends or something and I feel left out. I couldn't be around my mom anymore. Seeing her just made me upset.

Jacob notices I've been avoiding my mom and tries to talk to me. He places his hand on my shoulder and gives me a very concerned look when I flinched away from his touch.

"What's wrong, Nessie?" he asks.

I fake a smile, an art I had perfected.

"What isn't wrong?" I ask.

He frowned. "Nessie-" he starts but I change the subject.

"Let's go hunting!" I shout, running out of the house.

He follows confused by my sudden desire to hunt.

_**I prefer my food cooked but right now I just want to kill something**_.

/

"Jake, I love you," I tell him on my 18th birthday. Physically, I've been 18 for a long time but Jacob still treated me like a kid.

He grins. "I love you too." He says, patting my head like I'm still a child.

"No, I really love you." I say.

He looks pained. "Nessie-" he says.

I close my eyes hoping he won't reject me. I lean towards him praying that he will kiss me and prove that he loves me.

Jacob backs away from me and turns to face the other way.

"Why, Jake?" I ask, hurt.

His shoulders tremble and tears fill my eyes.

"Don't you feel…?" I step back as realization struck. "You don't…This was wrong" I whisper.

I turn to leave but Jacob catches my arm.

"Nessie wait!" he says.

I sob loudly.

I look into those beautiful brown eyes and see concern, affection but there's no love. The tears I was fighting fall and I snatch my arm back. I run home crying my heart out and Jacob doesn't follow.

_**If mom had said it I bet he would have.**_

/

Three days later Jake moves out. I watch as he hugs my mom and promises to visit before making his way to me.

"Nessie," he says looking at the floor. "Can we talk?" he asks.

I nod and we make our way outside. Once we were far enough away that no one could hear he turned to me.

"Nessie, I'm sorry. I-" he struggled to find the right words.

I wrapped my arms around him and sobbed into his chest.

"Don't go…I'm sorry….I love you…Don't leave me," I beg.

Jacob closes his eyes. "I'm sorry," he says.

I pull away from him. "It's because of _her_ isn't it?" I accuse.

He flinches. "Nessie," he says but I don't let him get far.

"I'm not asking you to love me. Please, just let me love you. Stay." I say.

He looks like he's about to say something that I'm not ready to hear.

"Never mind," I say quickly, moving away from him. "I'll still see you around?" I ask.

He nods and looks away. "Sure," he says.

Its three weeks before I work up the courage to visit his apartment and it sucks that the day I decide to visit I find my mom already there making herself at home.

_**She always has to be first.**_

_**/**_

I was surprised when Jake asked me on a date. I took it as a sign that he did love me.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked.

I smiled, holding his hand. "Anywhere as long as I'm with you." I say with a dreamy sigh.

"Whatever you say." He replies with a forced smile.

I should've known something was wrong right then and there.

_**Because I've never seen Jacob forcing a smile in my life.**_

_**/**_

The date went perfectly. He took me too a fancy restaurant and then to a play. I noticed every once in a while he would step out to talk on the phone but I didn't know who he was talking to.

He took me home and when I leaned in for a goodbye kiss he kissed my forehead instead. I pouted but was too happy that we were dating to complain.

_**I wouldn't want to chase him off.**_

_**/**_

I was up because I couldn't sleep. I heard whispering in the living room and went to check it out. Jacob was sitting in the living room with my dad.

"The date went well." Jacob said.

Dad smiled. "Well, I do know my daughter." He said.

Jacob frowned. "But I don't know if I can keep this up." He said.

Dad glared. "You have no choice. Renesmee is your imprint. You are supposed to make her happy." He growled.

Jacob sighed. "I know but" he shook his head. "Never mind, just tell me where you want me to take her for the next date." He said resigned.

I couldn't control my anger. I ran from my spot around the corner and slapped Jacob across the face.

"You went out with me before my dad told you too!" I shouted.

"Renesmee," my father said surprised.

"Nessie!" Jacob said as he tried to reach for me but I slapped his hands away.

"I can't believe you." I say, "Where was your heart in all of this?" I ask?"

"Nessie," he whispers pained.

""Was there even a little part of you that wanted to go out with me?" I ask, angrily.

"No, wait. This isn't Jacob's fault! I just thought-" my dad started but I cut him off.

"I'm not talking to you!" I snap at him.

I turn back to Jacob. "Be honest, for once in your life." I beg. "Were you forced to go on this date with me?" I ask.

Jacob's shoulder slump and he won't meet my gaze.

I nodded. "That's all I needed to know." I say, sadly before storming out of the house.

"Nessie!" Jacob calls.

"Renesmee!" my dad yells.

I don't look back as I disappear into the trees.

/

My mom tries to talk to me about it the next day when I come home.

"Honey, your father was only trying to help." She says.

"Get out," I growl.

Mom pauses. "What?" she asks.

I put my hands over my ears as she continues talking about how I should forgive them.

"Get out of my room," I say quietly.

"Get out…Get out," I say through clenched teeth.

"Renesmee," she says softly, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"GET OUT!" I yell, pushing her away. "Get out of my room! Go away!" I shout slamming her against the wall.

"Renesmee!" she yelped.

"He's mine! He imprint on me! He's supposed to love me! Not you or anyone else." I scream.

"What?" my mom says, sounding hurt.

"What's going on in here?" Jacob asks bursting into the room.

He takes one look at the scene in front of him and yells.

"Get off of her!" Jacob yells, pulling me away as I struggle.

"No! Let go of me!" I shout, trying to get past him.

"Quit it Nessie! What's wrong with you?" he asks.

"Right now, my problem is you! You and _her," _the disgust and bitterness in the word made mom flinch.

"Let me go!" I say again.

"No!" Jake says.

"I wish you would just disappear! I never want to see you again. I wish you would just die!" I shout.

Mom sobbed and the slap came hard across my face.

Hard enough to leave a red hand impression on my fair, porcelain colored skin. I didn't shy away; I didn't fall, or hide away. I stood, facing Jacob square on, tears in my eyes, daring him to do it again. To prove how much more he loved her than he loved me.

Standing stoic, eyes glaring me was the man I loved so much. More than my mother ever could, or probably ever would.

"Why would you say that to her?" he asks.

I touch my cheek.

"Because I love you," I say.

Jacob stumbled, stepping backwards in shock.

"Nessie, I'm so sorry," he said, and my mother sobs again.

Jacob runs to my mother, comforting her. I turn and leave the room.

**You'll always choose **_**her**_** over me, I've accepted that but that doesn't mean this is over. I will **_**make**_** you love me!**

**/**

That night I use the key Jacob gave my mother to enter his apartment. I stand over his bed, watching him sleep. Even in his dreams he looks stressed. I wonder how much that hit had cost him. I sighed before undressing and climbing into bed with him.

"Jake," I whisper wrapping my arms around him.

"Renesmee, what are you doing?" he asks.

"Don't leave me," I beg.

"What are you talking about?" he asks, struggling to get out of my hold.

"I'm sorry about what happened with mom. I just want to love you." I say.

Jacob stares at me.

"I'm your imprint. You're supposed to love me. Please, love me." I beg.

He looks away. "Nessie, I don't-" he starts but I interrupt him.

"I'll cook for you and clean your apartment. I'll give you lots of children and whatever else you want. We could have a beautiful life together," I plead.

I lean in to kiss him and he pushes me out of the bed.

"Stop it!" he yells standing up.

He rushes to the door.

"Wait, don't leave!" I shout, reaching for him but he doesn't look back.

"Come back, I love you!" I whimper.

I hear the front door slam.

_**Rejected again**_

**/**

I walk home in the rain. My mother is waiting on the porch.

"Baby, what happened?" she asks.

I stare at her. What made her so much better than me? Maybe the answer to why Jacob couldn't love me had been staring me in the face all along.

"I wasn't good enough to make him love me," I say quietly.

Mom looks sad. "That's not true," she says.

"Yes, it is. I'm a freak. I can't even get my soul mate to love me. What does that say about me?" I ask her.

"Come inside before you catch a cold," my mom says concerned.

I'm half-vampire I can't get sick.

_**Thanks mom for another reminder of what a freak I am.**_

"I just wanted him to love me," I sob.

Mom runs off the porch and pulls me into a hug.

"I know, baby" she comforts.

"Jake does love you." She assures me.

"Not like he loves you," I say coldly.

Mom freezes.

"Tell me the truth; do you have feelings for him?" I ask.

"Don't be silly," she forces a laugh. "We're just friends," she lies.

"You're lying," I say, glaring at her.

"I'll ask again. Do you have feeling for him, mom?" I ask.

"Renesmee," she pleads.

I can tell she wants me to drop the subject but I can't. I have to know.

"It's been years since he imprinted on me and where are we? I'm here crying because he's rejected me again." I say.

"I've seen the two of you together. It's so oblivious that you two have a _connection_." I say the word bitterly.

"You have something stronger than imprinting. Something I can't compete with. I used to wonder why he didn't want me. Why he treated me like a baby even though I am 18. Why every time I tried to confess how I felt he would brush me off." I laugh but it comes out as more of a sob.

"And then I realized why he wasn't responding to me. He's in love with you. He's always been in love with you." I state.

Mom looks hopeful then despaired. "Look, its Jake…I mean its Jacob." She says.

I could tell she wasn't trying to convince me. She was trying to convince herself. I reach out and touch her cheek, letting down my shield so she can see what I've seen.

I allow her to see every moment I've seen the two of them together, every time he's picked her over me, every rejection and heartbreak.

Mom gasps. "I didn't know, Baby," she said, looking lost.

"I just wanted him to love me. That's all I've ever wanted." I admit. "He was supposed to be mine. But he'll never be mine. He's never been mine but I can't help it," I cry and wrap my arms around myself.

Mom places her hand on my shoulder, unable to do anything else.

"I'm sorry, baby. I am so sorry,"

_**I wish it was enough**_

/

Its weeks before I see Jake again. He's waiting for me after school. He looks different, as if he's made a resolution.

He doesn't say "Hi" or smile.

He just stands there looking more far way than ever. I walk past him and feel him fall into step behind me. I know why he's here. I should have seen it coming.

"You know," I say glancing back at him. "I love you…I really love you." I say quietly.

He doesn't say anything.

"I love you…so much," I say looking away from him.

"Look, Nessie I'm sorry but-" I cut him off.

"You're not over mom and you want her back almost as much as I want you to love me but you won't let yourself go there because she's married but you're tired of pretending with me…" I trail off.

"Renesmee, I'm sorry but I'm in love with-" he starts but I shake my head and cover my ears.

"Don't say another word!" I shout.

He stares at me shocked by my outburst.

"Please, just don't," I beg. "I know how you feel and I…"

_**I can't bear to hear you say it.**_

_**I'm not ready yet.**_

_**Please, don't speak those words. **_

_**Don't say**_

"I'm in love with Bella," he blurts out.

_**That you love her**_

Flashes of the future the life I always thought I would have. The two of us married, with four children, living happily ever after shatter and fall to the ground in tatters at my feet along with my heart.

"I'm sorry Nessie," he says. "I never meant to hurt you," he apologizes.

"That doesn't really matter Jake, because you still hurt me anyway." I say numbly.

I feel nothing. It's like I'm frozen, inside and out.

"I've known you all my life. I've seen the way you look at her. I've heard the story of the love triangle between you, my mom, and dad. It's been hopeless from the start." I say my voice hoarse as if I had been screaming.

"Nessie, you will always be special to me. You're my imprint and I-"

"Do you love me?" I interrupt.

Jake pauses.

"I care about you," he says.

I glare at him. "Just tell me," I beg. "Do you love me?" I ask.

His shoulders sag with resignation.

"No," he admits.

I flinch. It's over. He doesn't love me. Everything I thought we could have is over and impossible. My body twitches, half-turning away from him and half wondering if this moment will ever end.

He looks at me miserably and painfully and it's like someone kicking me; kicking me hard in the chest, and in my mind I'm doubled up on the floor being kicked and kicked in the heart by him. Things have stopped moving around me.

I close my eyes because I can't bear to look at him anymore. I desperately want to cry. I want to fall to his feet feel the sobs choke out of me; curl up and let myself cry and cry and cry, because everything hurts so much.

I want to feel anger. I want to hate Jacob, hate my mom; to feel burning hot fury course through my blood.

I want to feel like injuring someone or breaking something because this isn't fair. He was supposed to love me. He was supposed to want to love me.

I want to plead with him, and throw my arms around him. I want to beg him to love me but I can't.

"I love you…I won't forget about you…even though you don't love me I still can't shake this feeling that we belong together. We're soul mates." I say, knowing it's useless.

Jake sighed. "I'm sorry, Nessie," he says as he turns around and walks away. "Sometimes love isn't enough,"

He never glances back.

I guess it's over. . I should be upset, betrayed, and furious. But I can't bring myself to be. Instead a low, resonating ache thuds where my heart should be.

I can't bring myself to be angry right now, because he was honest.

My love for him was empty and hopeless.

I feel water hit my cheek.

"I guess it's going to rain," I say, looking up at the cloudless, sunny sky as I hit the ground, the tears finally fall.

_**He was my imprint, he would never love me, and he left me.**_

/

Leah wasn't surprise to see me at her door. I was a frequent visitor to her apartment these days. She was my confidant and my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her.

"What's wrong?" she asked, letting me in.

"Jacob doesn't love me." I say, dazed.

"You asked him?" Leah asks.

I nod, and for a moment, I don't speak. I wondered if I had used up all my tears earlier or if I was just in shock. I don't feel hurt or anything. I just feel numb. So very numb. Would the pain come again later? Would it hurt worse? Would it hurt less? Would I be able to stand it?

"What happened?" she asked.

"He told me he's still in love with mom." I cringe as the numbness fades and a sharp sting goes through my chest like someone just slowly slid a blade into my heart.

"I did everything I could to make him love me but nothing worked." My voice shakes as I try to keep a straight face.

"He's an idiot." Leah says but I shake my head.

I force a laugh but it come out as that horrible, choking sound that comes with the tears I won't let fall. The lump in my throat aches with the restraint. All of a sudden, a flood of images fly through my brain: Jacob holding my mom, Jacob touching her, Jacob kissing her.

My stomach turns and reels like a stormy ocean. He isn't supposed to be with my mom, he's supposed to be with me. I know exactly what he likes, he knows all my secrets and dreams and everything that goes with them.

"He's in love," I say. "And I'm tired of being the girl who is in love with the guys who is in love with someone else," I couldn't even begin to describe how I felt right at that moment.

Leah looks sympathetic. "So you're going to move on," she asks.

I shrug. "I don't really have a choice,"

Leah frowned.

"There is always a choice," she said. "And there are other guys out there," she jokes.

"Maybe." I say quietly. "But maybe I'll never be able open up my heart like this again."

At that moment my knees give way and I sink to the floor in defeat, my head in my hands

"You will," she comforts pulling me into a hug. "Your hearts too big to stay closed,"

"He's my imprint, my soul mate, my one and only love. But I'm not his. She's the One, Leah. It's her. It's always been her. And it'll never be anyone but her." My voice shudders.

The hug is warm and comforting. It's not like my mom cold, frigid, ones. And just like that I'm crying again.

"I wish you could've been my mother," I admit.

"I wish I could have," she said and I can tell she's crying to. "You're a really great kid and I would've been proud to have you as a daughter."

/

"My job is promoting me," Leah announces.

I look up from the television. I had been staying with Leah for a month now. Too afraid to go home and face my mother. Afraid that Jacob might be there. Leah had called and told my parents where I was. She said I could stay as long as I wanted and as far as I was concerned I was staying forever.

"That's great," I say but from the look on her face I can tell it isn't good news.

"Yeah, it's amazing. I'd be getting my own show. The chance of a life time…" she trails off, looking sad.

I don't know what could be wrong. Leah loves her job. She's a reporter for Forks news. She always gets right to the heart of the issues. She's great. I'm not surprised she got promoted.

"So are you going to accept it?" I ask.

She shakes her head "I want to but," she frowns and looks at me.

"I'd have to leave Washington," she says.

I drop my bowl, spilling popcorn all over the floor. In the background the only noise is the screaming of the horror movie I was watching.

"W-what?" I stutter, feeling lost.

"I'm not going to take it," she says.

I look at her seeing her resolve.

"I meant what I said," she states. "You're like a daughter to me and I won't abandon you," she says.

"I won't let you give up your dream for me," I state standing up.

"It's not your decision," she says.

"I swear, if you don't take the job I will never speak to you again," I growl.

Leah looks at my face and can tell I'm serious.

"But…what about you?" she finally asks.

I don't have an answer. I won't go home but I won't keep Leah from her dream job either.

"You could come with me," she says.

My eyes widen and I jump up excited. "That's a great idea!" I say.

Then I pause. If I let Forks I'd be leaving my family. I'd be leaving Jacob.

"You don't have to decide now," Leah says.

I shake my head. "No, I've made my decision," I tell her.

_**I know what I have to do**_

**/**

Jacob looks up from beneath the hood of his car.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

I stare at him for a long moment. "I came to see you," I tell him.

He sighs. "Renesmee, I told you that I just don't feel that way about you," he says.

"I know," I say. "I have a request though," I tell him.

Jacob looks confused. It had been one month, two weeks, six days, and three hours since he told me that he didn't love me.

Since he admitted to still being in love with my mother, my married mother.

"What?" he asks.

I close my eyes sending a silent prayer up above.

"Be my boyfriend," I ask and when he opens his mouth to object I add "For one day,"

He looks at me not saying anything.

"Please, Just for one day. From now until midnight." I say.

He looks like he's struggling to decide.

"Okay," he says finally.

I smile relieved.

"Just let me change first," he says.

He heads for the door and once he's out of sight I pull out a long hand written note from my pocket. I set it on top of his tool box.

"Nessie," he calls.

"Be right there," I shout.

/

I made a list of all the things I always wanted to do with Jacob. We go dancing, we share an ice-cream cone, we go see a movie, and hold hands.

"Hi boyfriend, I missed you." I say once he comes back from the bathroom.

He grins "I missed you too, Girlfriend," he says with a wink.

He wraps his arm around me and I wish that this meant as much to him as it did to me. We go back to his place.

"So, it's almost midnight." He says letting go of me.

I nod. I can tell he's eager to be free of his duty. But there's one more thing I want.

"Will you kiss me? Just once," I ask quietly.

Jacob shakes his head.

"Please?" I beg. "I just want to know,"

He half resists but he gives in and presses his lips to mine.

I put one hand around his waist and press my lips against his and then we are kissing, kissing angrily and passionately and it's everything I dreamed of.

He's holding the back of my head deepening the kiss, increasing the intensity, until my head is spinning and I can hardly breathe. He's sucking the air out of me, sucking the life out of me like a leech- there's desperation in that kiss, and a terrible longing.

Not all of it is from me.

The kiss is hypnotic. He holds me close, one hand caressing the small of my back and the kiss goes on and on for long, long minutes.

"I'm not over you." I whisper, as he pulls away.

It's a gamble, like everything is when he's so close to letting go to me.

I wrap my arms around him, gripping him as tightly as possible. His pulse skips under my thumbs.

"Love me, please just for tonight," I ask before kissing his neck.

Things blur sweetly after that. In one fell swoop, he captures her lips in his. His tongue dances across my lower lip and she groans into the kiss, opening her mouth and allowing him entrance.

After that, everything is rushed. It's like the floodgates have opened and everything I feel for him just comes pouring out. His hands come out and palm her breasts through the material of my shirt. I moan against his lips and run my hands through his buzz cut.

The rush of adrenaline that comes with the feeling of his tongue thrashing around in my mouth. His knee finds its way between my legs. He eyes my hungrily, pulling at the hem of her top until my shirt is off completely and he's unzipping my jeans. Heavy breathing fills the room, and he begins to nuzzle at my neck. His lips tickle my skin, and when I begin to giggle, he starts to suck.

My giggles turn to moans as his lips drag up her neck and once again capture my mouth with his. My jeans are gone in a matter of minutes, and soon he's pulling his own shirt over his head and I'm hurriedly yanking off his jeans.

He moves his fingers now, brushing them only lightly across her breasts, as he snakes them down her belly and between her legs. But I pull his hand away breathlessly and the rest of our clothes fall.

"No…Jake, I need you." I plead and it sounds desperate – like a call for help.

He's over me ,poised at my entrance, all ready to go before I even realizes it, and he enters me with such a force that my breath hitches in my throat. He freezes and regret feels his eyes.

"Nessie, I'm so sorr-"he starts but I interrupt.

"It's not your fault, okay?" I assure him.

He trembles at the words, or at the way my lips move across his skin. I want to say '_**You Could Never Hurt Me'**_, but the lie won't come, not when I can feel the pain already coiling in my heart along with my desire, and hear it in every breath Jacob sucks in.

"Does it hurt?" He hesitates, kissing my mouth shakily when my nails dig into his sides.

"No," I whisper, lying again, unable to bear the idea of him stopping. It hurts a little with almost every thrust now, negligible pain that tells me that I'm not dreaming.

I'll feel this tomorrow, and the day after. No pretending this didn't happen.

"No," I say, clinging to him to keep him from misinterpreting and pulling away.

His eyes roll back when he moves, flickers of white under his lashes. I slide my arms around him while he kisses me with hunger. I bask in the heat of his skin, closer to happiness than I've been since he moved out. The temptation to stay as I am, to just whisper the words I want so badly to say.

"I'm sorry, I still love you, come away with me" I mouth against his skin, not daring to speak the words aloud. Tiny shudders through me with each movement of my hips, with each soft brush of his lips against my ear, my face, my hair. I gasp when he begins to move with real urgency, making no attempt at holding back.

With every thrust I'm met with visions of what my life would be like without him.

_**Without feeling him there to touch me, to hold me.**_

_**Without ever feeling him inside of me again.**_

With every thrust I scream his name and he palms my breasts in his hands, and with every thrust I capture his lips in mine, as I remember what we used to be.

Nessie & Jake…best friends and soul mates.

We slide together without resistance, without obstacles. He sits up in the bed and roll so I'm in his lap, and latches on to my neck with his lips as his thrusts get quicker, harder, and deeper.

Tension builds in his muscles while I caress him, and he stares at me, wild-eyed, sides heaving with each breath. I bring my hand to his face, rubbing at the sheen of sweat on his cheek before pulling him tight against me.

"Jake." I gasp and I repeat his name as he kisses my throat, almost bruising in his hunger, and his rigid control finally snaps with a sound like a sob.

"Bella!" He cries out _**her**_ name and feverishly kisses every part of my skin that he can put his mouth to.

_**Bitterness**_ taints the satisfaction as I climax.

/

He kisses me again as soon as his movement inside me begin to slow, and continues after we're both lying still for several minutes. When his mouth finally leaves my skin, I try to move into a position that feels less exposed, shivering without his warmth. My body refuses to obey, every muscle trembling and protesting when I try to move away.

I close my eyes and wait till he gets up.

I try to find something to focus on other than the cold where his body was, or the urge to curl up around myself. I say nothing for a long time.

When he kisses me again, it's tentative-no more than a soft touch of his lips against mine, until I push him away.

"Don't," I murmur when he starts to speak. "Please."

There would be no enduring it if he spoke. The hurt that shadows my eyes keeps him quiet.

The familiar warmth of his arms is still comforting, filling a need I've suffered in the recent months, other than in the first moments after waking alone from nightmares. And letting him hold me is simpler than giving him room to say things that would hurt me.

"I have to go," I say, as I untangle myself from his arms.

"I have to go," she repeats, trying to pull myself together.

"I'm sorry." He says.

"Don't worry, I'm not crazy enough to think this means you'll love me," I mumble with barely restrained anger.

"Don't ask me to do this again," he says, staring straight ahead at the picture of him and my mom he has framed against the wall.

"I won't."

I don't have the strength to sharpen the words against him, and he continues as if I hadn't spoken.

"I can't deny you…not when you know you're my" he can't say the word.

What word would he have used?

_**Imprint**_

_**Soul mate**_

_**Destiny**_

"And I can't do this." He looks at me pained.

I'm trapped between the need to escape and the longing to hold him.

I nod my heart pounding too quickly for the weight bearing down on it. Jacob comes and stands beside me, close enough to touch.

"Was it worth it?" he asks.

"Yes." The reply comes easily while I hug myself.

Yes, those precious moments when he was mine, when he was touching me.

His next words are almost too soft to make out. "I'll miss you, Nessie"

"Goodbye, Jake," I say, giving him back the bracelet he gave me when I was younger.

I had never taken it off. It was my last physical connection to him. The only thing of his that was mine and mine alone.

I sigh. "I wish that was enough," I say, heading for the door.

"So do I," he whispers, so low I almost didn't hear him.

"Nessie," he calls.

I freeze.

"If you ever do meet someone special, take a shot at it will you? Don't keep waiting for me." he says.

"I'll try..." I feel my heart breaking. This meant nothing to him. Everything that had happened between us meant nothing to him. Everything I thought I meant to him- everything he meant to me- is worthless- because I'm worthless to him. I mean nothing to him.

I have to leave before anything happens, before I say something I'll regret.

"I'm so sorry," he says. His voice is hard and level, not a hint of doubt.

"Don't be," I say. A small part of me wants to throw myself at him and beg her to change his mind- but the most of me just wants to leave.

"It was nothing," my voice shakes.

I leave before he can say anything else.

/

When I meet Leah at the airport, she takes one look at me, takes in my messy appearance and pulls me in for a hug.

"I'm sorry, honey" she says.

I shake my head.

"It was nothing," I repeat to myself.

_**Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing….**_

"I was just fooling myself," I say aloud.

Leah opens her mouth to say something.

"Don't," I beg. "Not right now,"

She nods. "Okay,"

As the plane pulls away I take one last gaze out the window.

I let a single tear fall from my eye. "Goodbye, Jacob Black," I whisper.

_**/**_

**Author's note: This is my version of what happened after Breaking Dawn. I wanted to prove that not everyone's story had a happy ending. I might write a sequel after I finish my other stories. Please review and let me know you're thoughts. Constructive criticism welcome. Flames are not!**


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